Let It Out

I can't begin to apologize for how much I love this song:

Another latest addiction of mine is MFH Magazine, not to be confused with FHM, ok? (Already made that mistake with searching for online editions, whoopsie!)

MFH is like Oxygen Magazine without all the other crap. I read a workout mag to read about technique and cutting edge health news, not about what nailpolish colour is hot and six ways to cook hamburgers.

Anyhow the workouts work because people have noticed I've lost weight, which is hilarious because I have weighed the same for the past two months. I am obviously building more muscle and leaning out like a fox.

I am so loving this!

Sleeping Sickness

In the span of two weeks we had met an awkward evening following the big lie. We both knew we needed to have an honest conversation so we did over a glass of wine at a nice little bar down the street from my place.

Admittedly, it was one of the most serious and honest conversations I've had with a man - it eclipsed all those 'Talks' in past relationships.

The movies - He explained he knew I would be recluse after what had transpired so he tried to reach out; the intent was to show me he is still very interested. I - having put up the thickest brick wall - judged him as being a bit of a show off and self involved. What I saw as his need to search for acknowledgement really was indeed just that - he was just trying to prove his sincere interest, but I saw it as a negative thing since I was still sitting behind my wall.

The lie - we didn't talk about that. We had chatted enough about it. Instead he told me more about his son and his struggle with his son's mother.

In all honesty, for us to really get to know each other, The Mexican and I both had to acknowledge our own mistakes and move past them and each others. Sealing myself up wasn't the answer. Opening up yourself makes you vulnerable - that's the part I don't like.Which explains why I've been single for a while.

What really hit me though was how much of my BS this guy was willing to put up with to get it through my thick skull. He is definitely worth a second try.

So when the flu officially hit me Tuesday night and he offered again to come over Wednesday night, I said ok. He hadn't been to my place yet. It was tidy, but I looked like a mess.

The Mexican actually brought home made soup. And Bolthouse Farms carrot juice. He didn't say much. And that's what ultimately makes me wonder so much about him. In any event, he was there, heating up soup on the stove. He served it to me. He did my dishes.

I had a terrible migraine and the back rub he gave me really helped. And we just laid there in each other's arms. It was really nice.

Wtf was I so scared of?

Prepare the Escape Hatch ...

He and I are meeting up tonight as mentioned earlier. Just a wine thing at a wee bar. Except he jumped the gun yesterday and asked if I wanted to go see Gangster Squad on Sunday night.

My girly Ria said that the flick was awesome, so I thought why not? It might be a nice way to ease the pressure. (You know, since movie's don't require much talking.)


...Well wasn't that the most awkward thing ever!


When we were making our way through the maze of a line to the kiosk, The Mexican said he will grab the tickets and I can grab the popcorn. In the past, I would have obliged. However, he fucked up and he's trying to court me properly now. So he can fucking spring for the popcorn if he wants it. I had brought my Twizzlers anyway, so I didn't want anything else. He seemed surprised by my popcorn protest, though he didn't complain since I was open to share the Strawberry candy.

Then we sat. The small talk was painful for me. For some reason, he felt compelled to communicate more often during the movie. And he kept looking at me while I watched. It was weird. It felt like he was searching for acknowledgement. I smiled and blushed at all the right moments. What more does he want?

I think he's more used to chicks throwing themselves at him and chasing him. He tries too hard to pump himself up. All I see is a guy desperate for attention. He's so self involved, he doesn't realize he isn't courting me as he should.

A couple days ago he started to text me provocative pictures with little winky faces. And when I don't respond right away he asks if I received the pictures. If I like them or not and why I don't send any. All I ask is why he sends them.

His response?  "So you know what you're missing.'

Ugh.

It's all in the details

I have simmered for a day and a half, so I'm good to write in reference to my previous post with more perspective.

I think.

Anyway - here's what pissed me off. I was in his house. He was redecorating. There were about 12 empty frames hung up on one wall. Only one had a picture in it. And it was an old-looking portrait of a kid staring at the lens who looked a bit blinded by the photographer's lamp.

I asked if that was him and he said it was. The Mexican went into an elaborate story of how his friend said he looked angry. He confirmed he had been upset because the photographer had taken about five pictures by that point.

Odd to have a pic of yourself as a youngster on the wall of your own home, but... oh well. To each their own. I said nothing further and we moved on to chatting about other things.

On the phone a few days later, he tells me that the picture was actually of his son.


Inhale.

Exhale.


Ok, so he has a 7 year-old son. (With the same name of him. How...cliche.)

What else?

Oh yeah, he was married to the mother, when he was 22. They got divorced at 25, right when they found out she was pregnant.


Inhale and exhale again.

What else? 

His son lives in Mexico with his mom (where he is originally from). He never gets to see him more than once a year. Apparently it's too expensive to fly to Mexico. He also thinks his ex is an unsuitable mother but he 'let' her have custody.

Uh... This guy is a VP - he can afford one return flight to Mexico a month. Does he not know about seat sales and GroupOn? This is just too much.


Okay. Well. Now what?

I was pissed. And the only thing I was pissed about was how he made up an elaborate story about that goddamn picture. He could have been mature and told me the truth then. Or he could have just said he didn't want to discuss it now, but would rather chat later (Not too late, mind you.)

I am a compassionate and understanding person. We all have histories. He refers to history as baggage. He said he wants to find someone help him unpack.

I think I just checked my luggage for the trip back home by my onesies...


What also irks me about The Mexican is how he got mad at me for being upset about his lies. He tried to transfer his guilt onto me. No way was that gonna happen. I stuck to my guns and said I wasn't apologizing.

He said he wants to work things out. How he thinks I'm an angel and we should give 'us' a chance. Not sure I would consider giving my heart to a guy who 'let' his ex take their son.

I know people make mistakes, and I am willing to look past this (eventually). I just can't get over how he lies so easily. And how it was so believable. Of course, I'm afraid he will lie to me again.

This guy's been friend-zoned until he can prove he's worth something more.

The Skin We live In

He said those pics were of him when he was little.

Days later he tells me he was married and those pics are actually of his son.

And he doesn't understand why I am upset he lied.


The real conflict comes with trying to find a resolution. We both want one, but how to move past it. The trust has been compromised. And actions do speak louder than words when it comes to reparations. But what actions does he take? Flowers won't say anything. Only time will tell, perhaps.

MzRawkqueen has evolved!

Soul Surfette it is. And the domain name will change too.

New Email addy will be soulsurfette.blogger.com so save that in your favourites!

Thank You, Universe

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am awestruck. And I am ever grateful.