When a man forces himself upon you...

I found his note from September 2011 when a supposed friend forced himself upon me after a fun house party.

i wanted to let you know that i keep replaying last night in my head.
i was acting like a jerk and i wish i could take everything back. i
wish there was something that i could say or do to make it all ok but
there isn't. i crossed a line that never should have been crossed and
you have no idea how much i regret it.
i don't want to make you feel any more awkward than you already do. i
won't bother you again this weekend. i hope you call me before you
leave but i will understand if you don't want to. don't feel pressured
to call if you don't feel comfortable with it, i know you need your
space after the other night.
i hope you have a good time tonight and i hope you know that i'm still
your friend. i'm sorry for what happened. if you can find it in
yourself to forgive me, i can promise you that nothing like that will
ever happen again.

Here was my response:

I'm glad you regret what you did, yet at the same time I wish you didn't have to regret anything and just acted as respectfully toward me as you should have.

Saying sorry is very different than showing a person how sorry you are. Your words are empty without actions to follow anything up. I don't feel you truly understand how terrible you made me feel.

I'm positive that I didn't lead you to think anything sexual was going to happen. I feel betrayed by you as I made the decision to come to Montreal after you persistently pointed it out that I needed to visit - that we had to go have fun on your turf. Your behaviour is forgivable in time, but still reprimand-able. You showed no respect for me and only thought about your needs and wants. Being drunk is not an excuse. I had a fair amount of liquor myself and still repetitively said no - with different reasons no less. I was uncomfortable about staying the night, but figured I had no where else to go at the moment and I would sort it out in the morning. And what killed it for me was you didn't seem to recollect what you did until I started to visibly appear upset.

Then I had to spend more of my money on a hotel because I sure as hell wasn't going to show up at my aunt's place - crying - about how my 'friend' couldn't take 'no' for an answer. $500 for a car and $250 for a hotel. How could I have fun after what you did? You stole my weekend. I didn't get to go to that party. There goes another $100 for tickets. Coming to Montreal was an expensive mistake.

Thankfully, it turned around and I made the most of Saturday and drove home Sunday. My pockets are quite empty, but at least I have my self-respect. Something you clearly need to work on.

You may still want to be my friend, but I can't see why. You clearly don't respect me and put your own needs before my own.

I said what I needed to say Saturday morning to make the rest of my morning with you as comfortable as possible, so I said what you wanted to hear - how everything would be fine and we would still be friends. In reality, that's not possible.

Best of luck to you.

I might let you make it up to me

"What kind of fuckery are you?" Ha!! I completely forgot about this song!!!

I had settled down to get some writing down and I thought to listen to some Amy to get my writing groove on.

Then this song came on. Well, writing went out the window. I was swaying my hips across my living room with a glass of red. Damn, I love this tune.

This is the feeling life is about, man.

Sweet Redemption!!

Ah....

Breathing SO MUCH easier today. Redemption is so sweet.

On another amazingly positive note, I had such a sweet time with my gal pal T yesterday.

We chit-chattered away about life, philosophy and silly things. It was so very wonderful.

I am light.

VIP party!

OoOoooo I got an invite to a VIP shindig this Friday night hob-nobbing with music industry folks.

I've been these sort of things before. The guys from Billy Talent were at one event for the Junos. I ended up chatting with the drummer for 20 minutes and was standing within egg toss range of Ben Mulroney. The drummer was super nice - but I can't recall his name. He has nice ink though. Ben looked so much older in person, his wrinkles so much more prominent.

I'm not sure who will be at this event. But I'll be going right after my Zumba class, so I know I'll be headed straight for the food table!

UPDATE:
So I went to the party. Music was lame - very loungy in a hotel lobby type sense. Weird considering it was an urban event.

The guys were nice, but older. Too old for me. The ladies were dressed up to the nines, gorgeous outfits and very sweet.

It was just not as bouncin' as I was hoping it to be.

Anger is underrated

Being angry is good.

It's a coping tool when a man can't be a man and you have to sort things out yourself.


He took enough of my kindness in stride; along with my time, energy, money and other things. Instead of being communicative, he ignored me for two weeks and I figured it was over. Something an ex-boyfriend did to me about three years ago.Cowards - the lot of them. He even turned off the answering machine so I couldn't leave him a voicemail. I had no way to contact him except Facebook or Skype and he would never respond. I was livid to say the least.

Initially, I had wanted to try to maintain the option of being friends, or at least remaining approachable to him when he does finally decide to open up. He did seem like a decent guy going through a rough time. But that doesn't give a guy any reason to act like an asshole and ignore his doting girlfriend.

I started thinking about how his last relationship ended ... He left. No discussion. He just ditched her two months before the wedding. Now, maybe he had his reasons to run. Still - a real man would have the guts to deal with it properly and talk to her. I actually found her on Pinterest. She still has the board up of all the wedding plans she had for them. Poor girl. How could I have been so blind to his ill behaviour?

And why the fuck should our ending be so different?

I'm not sure what upsets me more:
a) The fact that I was so absolutely and utterly wrong in thinking he was a true man in every sense of the word.
b) The fact that I had no closure whatsoever and was left dangling in the wind like a hopeful puppet.

Sometimes people don't deserve you to be the bigger person.

Cutting up his sweater and shredding the bracelet he gave me really helped with the closure part.
Cutting up pictures also helps.
And going on new exciting sexy dates really helps.

Sunny Sundays and 8.4km walks for poutine

I think I wrote about the Medic back in June when I mentioned the Navy SEAL workout. He and I try to work out at least once a week and this week, I felt the burn from our Wednesday workout right up until yesterday afternoon. So I am prepping for another burn when we workout again this Wednesday.

We met up today around 11:30am on a mission to find him shorts. It's a fact, guys hate clothes shopping. I am an in-and-out girl when it comes to shopping. I love a mission. And was happy to say, I completed it before the first hour was complete at an awesome price. Quicksilver is def-o better than the Billabong store. I know where I am going for my surf gear come January!

The Medic is awesome. Very positive and interested in what I have to say; listens and is genuine. I am so very fortunate to have him in my life. He provides me with new perspective and lots of laughs.

And good things happen when we hang! For instance, today we went to a popular tea shop and the guy serving us gave us free stuff and a discount because he said we were so nice.

Then I took The Medic to the new geologic shop that opened up. It's a cross between a museum and a semi-precious stone shop - there is so much to see in there! Most people would be bored with that sort of thing, but not The Medic. He had lots of little anecdotes about different types of stones. It was so relaxing and fun!

Then we realized by that time we had walked about 8.4km (About 5.2 miles to you Americans), so when 3pm came and we realized time had passed so quick that we didn't eat lunch, we marched on to the Smokes Poutinerie. Who cares about all those calories! We earned it. :)

Give you're heart a break. I'll be on my way